Turkey Shaped like a Football (under $15, about an hour)

I have the lyrics to "Secret Agent Man" (I know I used this in the last post, but it's just SO good) stuck in my head this morning. Only they're the wrong lyrics, they're the classically wrong lyrics: I'm hearing, secret... ASIAN man, secret... ASIAN man over and over again. It's a mystery. Can you be a secret Asian? Why would you keep that a secret, even if you could? Why can't the singer sing AGENT, with a nice hard G?

Look, I'm procrastinating. I need to write a paper, but instead I'm writing to you guys.

Everything isn't what it should be.

Welcome to meatloaf.

Once, I sat down at a table to a meatloaf made of god knows what dead animal -- what obese dead animal -- ground up and pressed into a big square corningware casserole. The grease was...impressive, if you're impressed by about half an inch of grease, say, floating on top of your meat. There was also ketchup somehow, but I never caught how.

I think of this particular meatloaf as an insult to the meatloaf deity.

My mother's meatloaf was never like that. When I ate beef, I liked hers, and conveniently enough when it's reshaped, it makes delightful meatballs. So when I stopped eating red meat, I began experimenting with her recipe. Her meatloaf was tender in the middle, crispy-edged (for those yummy heel pieces), savory, and remarkably ungreasy. I wanted that for my non-beef-loaf.

Here is what I came up with. Look at the pictures for what you want in consistency and meat-to-bread ratio. I make two loaves at a time and often freeze one for later.

about a pound and a half of ground poultry
about a pound and a half of poultry sausage (we like hot Italian turkey sausage when we can get it)
stale bread (maybe four cups), cut into cubes
about 1/2 c seasoned breadcrumbs
two eggs
some milk
oregano, thyme, red pepper flakes, salt
jalapeno paste, if you like it hot

Dump the cubes in a giant bowl.

Dump the ground poultry on top of that.

Squeeze the sausage out of the casings into the bowl. Discard the casings.

Add eggs.

Splash in maybe 3/4 c milk. Keep the milk out in case you need more.

Add the bread crumbs and spices.

With a potato masher, mash everything together. You want to do this until everything is WELL mixed, so give it some time. If the bread cubes aren't coming up into the meat, splash on a little more milk, but just a little at a time. Keep mashing. It should come together so that you can form balls of it with your hands. If you set them down, they should hold together and not crack or fall open. This may take five minutes of mashing, though I'd say it takes maybe two-three normally.

When you have everything mashed together, wash your hands, set the oven for 375 and get out two pans with edges. I use rectangular brownie pans because both with fit in my oven together. But use what you have and bake in stages if you have to. Lightly grease the bottom of the pans (I use spray grease). Divide the meat mixture in half, taking out one half with your hands and forming it into a footbally-loafy shape. Pat it smooth. Place it in one pan. Repeat with the other half and place it in the other pan.

Wash your hands (remember you're working with poultry) and then put the pans in the oven. Baking loaves can take from 45-60 minutes. You want to watch that they're uniformly brown on the outside, and they aren't pink in the middle.

If you need this in shorter order, divide the meat mixture in three or four and make smaller loaves: four loaves will cook in about 20-30 minutes.

To make meatballs, just form the meat mixture into balls whatever size you like. You can bake these, but I normally use a skillet and pan-cook them on the stove. Since they're very unfatty, you need a little olive oil in the skillet.

There you go.