Locked and Loaded, Sir, Yes, Sir (less than a dollar, 1 minute or less)

[No, you've come to the right blog: I changed the colors because, much as I loved the way the black looked with the pictures, the letters swam and danced and I was getting a headache trying to read the thing. Let me know if this works better for you, or if you really want to be back in black again. I'll listen, my disciples. My precious.]

Okay, today: weapons. Specifically, habaneros, jalapenos, hot peppers and that voodoo they do so well.

I issue a warning here. Working with hot peppers means washing your hands A LOT, with soap and hot water, before you touch your eyes or any other mucusoid or otherwise private part of your or another person's anatomy.

True story.

No, wait. I can't tell that one. Sorry.

Jalapeno paste is designed to allow you to eat VERY spicy food without blistering your lover's(') privates, or your own. Or blinding him/her/them/you. After you make JP, you touch it only with a spoon before you eat it. It's a beautiful, relationship-saving, doctor-visit-preventing thing.

I grow my own peppers and make up, and can, vast batches of this every summer. I have heard that setting out hot peppers next to mild ones -- say, habaneros next to bells -- can make the mild ones hot. Also, the heat in a pepper is there to prevent the fruit from getting fungal infections: thus, peppers grown during wet summers (like this one) are drastically hotter than those grown during dry ones.

Oh, and one reason people like hot peppers is that the pain of eating such things releases endorphins in the brain. In warm countries, the sweat the heat of peppers creates is also cooling. They are amazing little things. More fun facts? Why yes, I have one more! Only mammals experience capsaicin (the "hot" in these peppers) as hot: birds and bugs don't. Thus, you can help keep squirrels out of your feeders with hot pepper-coated seeds (well, except those "Cajun" squirrels [dear GOD, do NOT Google "cajun squirrel" unless you want recipes] -- listen for their zydeco bands to know whether this will work for you). Seriously.

What you'll need:

1) Peppers. This is a picture of the very last batch we could harvest before the first frost killed our plants. It was our sixth or so harvest of this size from these plants. The peppers come from two jalapenos, one habanero, and one plant sold as serrano, but which I think is thai green peppers. Probably there's a pound or a pound and a half here. Note that I have not stemmed or seeded any of these -- they go into the paste whole, without my cutting them. If you have to have less hot pepper paste, I'd suggest using milder peppers (poblanos, for instance) instead of seeding. Or using less paste in a recipe. Seeding means cutting peppers which means getting your hands on them, which means -- danger, Will Robinson. You get the picture.

2) Salt. Use about a tsp or 2 per 3 med. jalapenos. This sounds like a lot, but if you're going to store it, salt is a way to keep the peppers from going rancid. If you're going to use it all at once, you won't need more than a single jalapeno or two and I'd skip the salt entirely -- just salt the dish. I make this en masse so I add a lot of salt.

3) Optionally, olive oil. I add this because it also prevents spoiling and saves me a step in cooking. I don't have to oil the pan at all or as much if I add oil at this juncture. And my peppers stay green in the fridge. Here I've added maybe a quarter cup. Sometimes I add more, but I figured I'd be using this batch up pretty fast.

4) Food processor or blender.

Step one. Wash the peppers.

Step two. Stuff them in the processor/blender.

Step three: Add salt and/or oil.

Step four: Press go-button. Process to a paste. You'll still see seeds, but it should be smoothish.

Step five: Move the paste carefully to a refrigerator-compatible, sealable dish and refrigerate until it turns black and nasty throughout, which means its spoiled. I've been able to keep this for up to a year open in the fridge, with the right amount of salt. By which I mean a lot.

Step six: Rinse everything carefully and wash in a hot, soapy medium. Wash your hands. If you think you got some on you, lick that part. If you tongue heats up (slowly, painfully), wash that part again with hot water and soap. The heat in peppers is oily, so it takes lipid-busters to get it off.

You're done.

One of Chuck's favorite ways to eat this is by the cafe-spoonful, on top of cream cheese (they have a festival!), on top of a cracker. His eyes water. It's fun to watch.

There you go.